Malory Towers Parody
by XxRaindr0pxX
Summary: I picked up the slim hardcover copy, it was cold in my hands. "First term at Malory Towers." I read, well it sounded like a pleasant book. Several hours of groaning and horrible chapters later, I decided to make a parody...and this is it...
1. On The Train

Malory Towers parody chapter 1: On the Train.

Please review with a delicious cherry on top!

Disclaimer: This series of books, and the book 'First form in malory towers' which is the one my parody is taking place are not owned by me. They are owned by Enid Blyton.  
>Mysterious voice: You only say that because your afraid she'll come from the dead and haunt you.<br>Me: How da **** did that voice know?

Chapter 1: On the train

Darrell Rivers looked at her rather ugly reflection in the mirror, taking in her fat pudgy scowl, her greasy brown hair which was lumped and knotted in places, that was tied up in a elastic band.

The dark rings around her eyes, and her new school uniform. A poo brown dress with an orange sash, around the middle, and one of those old tan coloured hats flopped about, also with a orange ribbon around it.

She turned her self about, not very happy at all. She was going to a boarding school called Malory Towers, situated in the middle of nowhere-oops, in the countryside. Miles from any decent medical centre or civilization apart from a shabby old village.

She had heard rumours about the school, apparently all naughty girls went there and got better, well, there were some decent ones to start with. Apparently some ran away, and some even got expelled.

Her mother came into the room, sipping her tenth mug of coffee, "Sulking again? Hmm, I know the discipline at Malory Towers does sound a bit far-fetched Darrell but try to give it your best effort. You know your father didn't win a free spot at Malory Towers at that polka game for nothing." She said.

Darrell sighed, "At that illegal gambling centre? I wouldn't put it past him."

Her mother fidgeted with her shirt rather nervously, and coughed. "Well…he does get stressed sometimes, especially when his surgery goes wrong."

Then she cleared her throat, "Your father's a busy man, he needs time off to …uhh…relax."

Darrel snorted, suddenly there was a shout from the driveway, "What are you waiting for ya load of dunderheads, hurry up, you don't want to be late on your first day there!"

"Oh no, I've got to go." She murmured sarcastically. Swishing out, and running down the stairs two at a time, completely missing the third last step which wasn't there due to the time she had a temper tantrum and smashed it with an umbrella.

Her little sister Felicity, shorter and four years younger sat on the kitchen table, reading labels on her father's drugs. (He was a surgeon and had a huge collection, some legal, some illegal.)

"Oh hallo Darrell, I wish I could come with you." She said, "It does sound fun. Maybe in four years time?"  
>Darrell snorted, "Maybe, but only if the school doesn't burn down or gets shut down by some sort of child protection service."<p>

"Darrell!" Exclaimed her mother, shocked, "For the last time, the school is not cursed nor is it against the law!"  
>"Then why was the term's enrolment sheet in a gambling centre, ready to be won?"<p>

Her mother pretended to ignore that, "Well, let's get going, your father's waiting. We better not push he's patience, he might drive off without us." And with that, she walked out and headed to the car.

They were heading to the train station at Cornwall, where they would inevitably catch the train to Malory Towers. It was a rather long journey, and was made even longer by the fact that Felicity constantly needed to pee, and Darrell's mother wanted fresh air.

Probably because the ten mugs of coffee were starting to act up, and they were running late. Towards the end of the journey, Darrell's father was very annoyed and his temper was running high.

He jammed on the brakes and sent the car skidding ungraciously into the car park spot, it was a miracle he didn't crash. Mr Rivers cleared his throat gruffly with an air annoyance, "Well get out now, GET OUT, GET OUT, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!" He announced.

Darrell's mother got out, Felicity who didn't want to bother walking to the train station and back remained in her seat. When her mother tried to unbuckle her seat belt and convince Felicity to come out, she just pinched her rather haughtily and poked her tongue out. "Beast!" She muttered.

And with that, Mrs Rivers hauled the overnight bag out, and grabbed Darrell's shoulders, steering her towards the train station. The moment they were on the sidewalk, Darrell's father drove off with a loud screech.

Darrell stared at her mother with a disbelieving expression on her face, "How will you get back, and why do we have to carry my stuff ourselves? Couldn't you have asked daddy?" She said, her hot temper arising.

Her mother smoothed her throat, and ran an hand over her forehead (she was beginning to wish she hadn't drank 10 cups of coffee), "I'm sure he'll be back, and it's better not to push your father when it's angry. He keeps his temper for special and proper things, he'll get real snappish if I asked." She said, then laughed nervously.

"Well, at least I'm not carrying the overnight bag!" Exploded Darrell. Each of the girls' trunks were sent there in advance, and all they had to bring was an overnight bag with a towel, toothbrush and some pyjamas for the first night. Though most girls snuck in some accessories or toys of some sort.

"mm, Darrell dear, will you carry your bag for a moment, I just…need to getfreshair!" Her mother quickly said, dropping her trunk and dashing behind a nearby tree. A retching sound followed.

"Umm…I'll just…go to the train station by myself…" Darrell said uncertainly. "Go right ahead, I'll follow on later." Came her mother's reply.

So Darrell arrived at the train station at Cornwall, there was a gleaming red train for Malory Towers girls. And hundreds of students, big, tall, fat, wide, naughty and rude stood there. Calling loudly to each other, yelling over the top of each other, screaming and running around. It was chaos.

A while later her mother came up, looking better. She smiled at an extremely stern faced mistress that looked more like one's grandma gone wrong, and began chatting.

Meanwhile, Darrell observed the chaos, listening to the various shouts and sniplets of conversation she could catch.  
>"Old peggy dear, how's your wooden peg leg been from the time you snuck out for a swim on the sea shore and got bitten by a shark!"<br>"Oh there you are Hannah, why didn't you write to me in the holidays! I wrote to you three hundred, and twenty seven times!"  
>"Ella, do you still that that black eye I gave you last term, I hope it taught you a lesson to never stuff my pillow with stones instead of feathers, you naughty pranker!"<p>

Darrell was only twelve years old, so she was one of the youngest accepted and she suddenly felt very nervous of all the taller bigger girls. Suddenly, the mistress came with Darrell's mother. "Well now Darrel I must dash, have a wonderful term!" Said her mother, leaning in for a kiss but Darrell backed away immediately.

The stern faced mistress glared at Darrell, "Well new girl aren't you, I'm Miss Potts, step one toe out of line girl, and you'll be a goner!" She thundered, ticking Darrell's name of the list.

Then Miss Potts raised the gigantic microphone she always carried around with her, and shouted, "ALICIA JOHNS, COME HERE RIGHT NOW AND LOOK AFTER THIS NEWBIE FOR ME BEFORE SHE FALLS OFF THE PLATFORM OR ESCAPES!"

A tall, and robust figure with coarse brown hair, mischievous eyes that twinkled at the sight of chaos and a humorous expression arrived at once. She grinned naughtily, "yes Miss Potts." She said politely, but Darrell heard her mutter, "Whatever Potty." under her breath.

Darrell smiled, she liked this girl, Alicia, whatever her name was. "Oh hallo, I'm Alicia, Alicia Johns through I daresay you already heard Miss Potts say it, it's hard not to hear isn't it." She said, then continued without giving Darrell any chance to reply.

"Hurry up, we'd better bag ourselves a spot on the train before all the good ones are taken."  
>Darrell followed, glad of the older girl, she decided that she wanted to be Alicia's friend. Perhaps the two of them could plot midnight feasts, revenge plans, pranks, and other little bits of mischief together.<p>

With Alicia's extreme wit, and my father's illegal medicine that I might get Felicity to send me, I don't see how we could fail, she thought jovially. "What's your name?" Alicia asked, then suddenly a taller girl with brown hair and equally mischievous grin appeared. Smiling from ear to ear.

She and Alicia hugged joyfully, "Oh Betty old girl, it's a pleasure to see you. Oh, this is the new girl and this is my best friend Betty!" Alicia said. Darrell's heart sank, though it popped back up again when Betty said, "Yes but unfortunately I'm in West Tower so we can't be together."

Darrell smiled, "I'm sure me and Alicia would have some wonderful times in North Tower together then." She said, slipping her arm through Alicia's. Alicia and Betty had a long chat about the various tricks they played, and then they finished.

Alicia picked up her sack, and she hopped into the train. Darrell followed suit, it was more clearer inside and the air smelt fresher. Probably because all the smoke drifted to the train station, she chose a window seat and Alicia chose the one opposite, they popped they're bags down.

Alicia grinned broadly, "Sorry you never got to finish answering my question, what's your name?" She asked.  
>"Darrell, Darrell Rivers. Do you like it at Malory Towers?"<p>

Alicia paused, then she replied, "Yes actually, the staff are extremely dim-witted, as long as your careful you can probably do anything you want. Oh, forgot to mention, we all seem to have a grudge against Americans for no reason, just because they're American's I suppose." AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not racist but I think in Enid Blyton's Malory Tower's series the girls always look down Americans before they even get to know them, and I reckon that's a bit mean so yeah, I'm mentioning it in the parody.  
>"Yeah."<br>"Oh heavens, look at that girl over there! She's sobbing her heart out, it's only boarding school, and her mother's not much of a help either!"

Darrell looked and saw a tall girl with blonde wavy hair loose down her back, dressed in the school uniform clinging onto her mother. Wailing her eyes out, Alicia snorted.

Suddenly the compartment door slid open again, and Miss Potts appeared, hauling a prim faced girl by the plaits. "Alicia, here's another girl to take care of, her name's Sally Prim." She said.

The girl frowned, "Sally Hope." She corrected in a prim closed up voice. "Ah yes, Sally Hope, I was just saying that to see if you were paying attention."  
>Sally sniffed, but got into a seat without any further a due next to Darrell.<p>

Darrell instantly jumped up, and pilled her bottle of water over Sally's face (purposely), then cried, "Oh it's A ROBOTIC GIRL WITH NO EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER!" To impress Alicia who snorted with laughter. "Oh wait, it's not, sorry." Darrell said.

Alicia got out her drink bottle, "Better double check." She was about to dunk the water on Sally's head when the girl that was crying appeared. Her mother grabbed onto her new blouse, "No don't leave me Gwenny! I'm lonely, I'm a lonely women!" She cried.

The blouse ripped, and the girl hurried to grab an seat next to Alicia, well, any seat as a matter of fact. She sniffed, "Bye bye mummy."  
>"OH Gwendoline, I know you'll be upset and miserable there and I know you'll get so upset and teary on your first night but be brave young girl." She said.<p>

Then Miss Potts stomped on, with an angry expression on her face. Like the one you might see on an teacher trapped in a train full of naughty little monkeys. "The trains about to start, go further back women otherwise the train might take you with it when it does start, and you'll be hanging on by the window." She shouted at the parent, forgetting her manners.

The parent gasped, but nonetheless let go. Then the train sped of with a huge roar. Miss Potts took one look at Sally, who was drying herself with her handkerchief grimly. "Another accident?" She said unsympathically, "Goodness what do they teach in primary schools these days, not how-to-not-wet-yourself from the looks of it." She murmured.

Sally still didn't say anything but she glared at Darrell and rang a finger over her throat, Darrell knew what that meant. Instead she smiled, "Sore throat Sally Prim, how would you like a mint? Or some water?"

At that Sally gave up and threw into a rage, she started screaming her loudest, waving her arms about, and a torrent of abuse from another language poured from her mouth, then she curled up in her seat sobbing. Her head in her hands. Not unlike a hedgehog.

"What a queer person?" Darrell wondered aloud.  
>"I agree with you, you know, some parents wonder along and get themselves drunk on coffee, some get drunk on wine like mine, some never seem to want they're children to leave and some don't come at all for fear of getting screamed at." Alicia announced.<p>

Sally heard the last sentence, and she looked up with bloodshot eyes, staring coldly at Alicia and hissing swearwords from another language, then stopped and reburied her head.

"Stranger and stranger." Muttered Alicia.  
>Miss Potts cleared her throat, "Don't talk so much Alicia." She ordered.<p>

And so the train journey continued, well, the start of my Malory Towers adventures, thought Darrell happily, locked up in a carriage with one's grandma gone wrong, a funny girl who I might want to be friends with, Gwendoline and some odd weirdo named Sally, what a grand start!


	2. The Castle

Malory Towers Parody chapter 2: The castle.

Please review and stuff.

Disclaimer: Fortunately I do not own this series of books, nor the First From from Malory Towers. etc etc etc

Chapter 1: The castle.

The girls got off the train and onto the carriages, which were actually not very pleasant. The carriages were rough, and the wheels were tiny. They bumped, jerked and jolted up the ragged cliff path to where Malory Towers would be.

Darrell and Alicia bagged two seats next to each other. Gwendoline unfortunately got into the same carriage as them, and Sally got in too. She glared at everyone and didn't say a single word. A girl named Irene also came in, she did nothing of importance but hummed an annoying tune and banged two pieces of wood together. (She pulled the wood out of the wall of the falling apart cheap wooden carriage.)

Gwendoline stared around with an air of superity, "Pooh! Who's parent has the right mind to send their child in here! I don't deserve this, I never did! I deserve, luxury…" She began, but the head girl, Paris got sick on her whinging.

She leaned over from her carriaged and grabbed Gwendoline's nose, tweaking it roughly and snorted, "You keep repeating your words and you'll get a jolly good spanking!" She said. Alicia rolled her eyes, "Wait Darrell-we'll get a view of the castle very soon." She suddenly said, sitting up.

Suddenly Darrell caught a view of the castle, which looked like a grey prision on a hilltop. With grey stabs as walls, and a black iron fence around the school. It looked, secluded, trapped, and basically like a huge jail.

"Wow, that's our school! What a joyful place? I bet we play games there, like prision break? Or, criminal minds?" Said Darrell happily. "Oh no-the matron always pops in and prys on all the students privacy every night so no." Alicia explained.

"Bother!"

The carriage arrived up the hill finally, even though a few students actually fell out when it went around a rough bend in the cliff path. The games mistress, Miss Maxwell, had to jump out and collect them.

When it finally arrived with a bump, Gwendoline jumped out. "My! I'll feel like a princess here, walking up these steps!" She said, getting out. Miss Potts hurried out. Darrell followed the school up, she suddenly felt very small. And where was her tour-guide Alicia?

Darrell bumped into Miss Potts who shouted at her for a cigarette before realizing it was a student. Miss Potts blushed, pointed the way to the dormitry, and as Darrell walked away with her suitcase she heard Miss Potts shouting at Matron for a cigarette.

The dorimitry, as Darrell discovered was pretty big. There were ten beds all squashed in the room, which had putrid vomit yellow wallpaper with ginger cats plastered over it. There was a curtain around each and every bed, so luckily, the girls could get their privacy.

There was a door connecting to the bedroom, which was their bathroom. A large damp place with mould growing on the far side of the walls. There was several sinks, though the one at the end stunk of vomit and had red stains all over the rim. Noone used that sink.

The shower cubicles were there too, though one only gave out cold water. Darrell dropped her bag on her bed and unpacked, soon the whole grade filled in. Alicia started introductions as she unpacked, "Well, most of you are new here but there are some old ones."

Quickly Alicia introduced everyone to, the old girls. Then she was interrupted in her tale of one of the tricks she played on Mazelle when Gwendoline stifled and turned pale. Mary-Lou also turned pale, "I-I-I'm s-s-scared o-o-o-of people who turn p-p-p-pale…" She said timidly.

"What's the matter Gwendofart?" Alicia said unsympathically.

"I have to do my own bed? I never had to do this at home…" Gwendoline murmured faintly. "It's not fair, this is a crap school! I don't want to do my own bed! Hayah!" She shouted loudly.

"Well that's not my problem." Alicia said, she rolled her eyes at Mary-Lou, who had hidden herself under her bed. "Hey, you know that there's monsters under there." Darrell teased. Mary-Lou instantly jumped up and ran to lock herself in the bathroom.

"Careful, there's a ghost in there." Warned Alicia.

A high pitched screaming could be heard. "Now now, don't be not silly girls, she is scared, just is." Said Jean, a scottish girl who's english was very bad. And hardly understandable, she was usually very quiet. "I is coming. Mary-Lou. I is saving you." She mumbled in her accent, walking towards the bathroom.

"Watch out Mary-Lou, frankinstine's daughter is coming for you. She is saving you for last…to eat!" Said Darrell, and the whole dormy callopsed in a fit of laughter. Jean scowled, "It is funny not." She managed to say, but that just got more laughs as her accent was very peculiar.

There was another high pitched scream from the bathroom, then a clanking sound and another scream that got lighter and lighter. Alicia tutted, "You reckon she jumped out the window?" She said. Violet, a shy, colourless child who was deathly pale. In fact, she looked like a ghost, or a robot to moniter all the students secretly and report them to the headmistress, actually spoke for once. "She did."

"Will she be alright?" Asked Darrell, who was beginning to think that nothing can surprise her now at this whack school. "Perfectly, there's a compost heap underneath the window, so Mary-Lou will get a soft landing. Or maybe she'll fall on top of the drainpipes, well, either she'll climb down or Miss Maxwell will get her." Alicia said, then smiled, "We've got a few minutes before break, do you guys want to go and check out the swimming pool?"

Darrell gasped, she had heard all about it. But had not seen it because she missed the tour in the holidays because Felicity had slashed the car's tires. "Ohhh let's!" Darrell said.

"Why at home, I had my very own indoor spa." Said Gwendoline but noone took much notice of her.

"Oh, I love the pool, with it's romantic waves splashing across the hard asplat ground, isn't it so beautiful? And the yellow stream of water leaking from in between somebody's legs? I should compose a song about the beauties of the pool!" Said Irene, who Darrell quickly recognized as the one wrapped too far in her own music to develop a common sense. Let alone use it, and secretly, Darrell had a feeling Irene was the most likely to become a hippi from all of them.

"Aye!" Said Emily, a quiet girl. She brought her knitting basket, her knitting kit, her scarf and beanie she was working on, and her collection of needles down with her. So, Alicia, Irene, Darrell, Emily, Jean, Katherine and Betty Hill who joined them on the way, headed down to the pool.

Which, was situated at the very bottom of the school, with a huge channel that connected to the sea, except noone was allowed to swim in the sea. The pool itself, was usually a deep dark blue colour, or a murky black, and sometimes a disgusting green colour. The sun shone on the pool during the day, evaporating the water, thus creating a thick musty fog over the pool.

The fog stunk of fish pee and fish poo. In fact, at the far 3metre deep end, the bottom was littered with fish poo, fish pee, human poo, human pee, dead fish that got sweeped in as the tide sweeped in the pool in the mornings, disgusting bits of debris that's been floating around in the ocean for the past two years and some toys or coins the girls dropped in the pool.

"Wow." Said Darrell, "My, what a marvellous pool! Aren't we jolly lucky here!" She exclaimed, looking at some students splashing about, ducking each other (which happened a lot), attempting to drown one another and jumping of the diving board, on top of other students whom they despised.

"Yes, in winter the pool freezes over and turns to ice. We have ice hockey matches there with other schools, you should see it." Katherine said in her gruff voice that sounded like it belonged to a boy. "Though sometimes the ice callopses underneath you, and you fall in and drown." Alicia added with a mischevious twinkle in her eye.

Katherine laughed, "You can't believe everything Alicia says, and it only happened once you know. Nowadays when that happens, the games misstress and the referee shoos the players of the ice, and they start putting their rescue plan in action."

"Yeah well, you should see the skeleton, it's still at the bottom of the pool. Every time I see it I compose a tune." Said Irene, "The current one I'm working on is called, 'Skeleton Grabs Your Legs and Drowns You.' You should hear it."

"Come on, let's see the courtyard before dinner. I badly want to show Darrell the flowers there." Said Betty with sneaky smile creeping on her face, her eyes glinted red for a second. Darrell had the feeling she knew something she didn't. Alicia also shared that funny grin on her face, "Of course, but it's a bit late for that isn't it? The supper bell goes in ten minutes."

"Ten minutes is enough if we all run, come on, please!" Said Darrell. Betty and Alicia exchanged a grin. Finally they gave in, "Well, follow us." Said Alicia, "We're going to show you a short-cut to the courtyard."

Alicia and Betty sprinted off up the hill, but they veered to the right, Darrell followed them. She ate a lot, and slept a lot, so Darrell was pretty strong and managed to catch up, though she still gasped for breath and her legs started aching half way there. Betty grabbed her wrist, and pulled her along.

They came to a side of the Malory Towers castle, there was noone there. Then, Alicia climbed onto the window ledge of the ground floor and took out a piece of wire. She fiddled with the window lock, then pushed it open.

"Hurry." Breathed Betty. Some voices of two teachers chatting were drifting closer. Darrell felt her nerves tingle with fear. Betty squeezed her hand. "Right, come in." Said Alicia as she slipped in the window.

Betty climbed on the ledge next, Darrell's sharp ears picked up the teachers voices. They would be coming around the corner any moment now. Suddenly she heard one exclaim that she had dropped something. "Darrell, now!" Hissed the combined voices of Alicia and Betty.

Darrell turned hastily towards the ledge, and put her feet on the nook like she had seen Alicia do. She hoisted herself up, and slipped in the window just as the two mistresses came around the corner. She breathed a sigh of relief, then gasped. This was the courtyard…?

It was magnificent, majestic, awesome, wonderful, Darrell gasped around. It was a huge grand hall, with coloured panes of glass around the walls and large purple curtains draped over the glass at certain places.

There was a little ring of grass in the middle, for school plays, as Darrell had heard. She didn't have time to gaze in wonder at the huge courtyard when Betty tugged her hand. "Come on slow coach, here are the flowers."

Darrell let herself be tugged towards the flowers, a sudden nudge by Alicia brought her to her senses. "Wow." She exclaimed, there was a ledge with flowers planted in fresh soil. But the ledge had a wire cage around it, and about several security cameras hovering over the ledge of flowers.

And a wire cage hung around the security cameras, there was a huge sign saying: DO NOT TOUCH OR DISTURB. IF YOU DO THEN THAT WILL LED TO IMMEDIATE EXPELSION.

"Shall we explain to Darrell the story of how the flowers came to be that way." Said Betty with a grin on her face. Alicia figeted with her skirt matter-of-factly. "I don't see why not."

"So, long long ago, there was just a ledge of flowers with no protection whatsoever." Began Betty.

"So students got bored and picked out the flowers, threw the dirt around the place and it got really messy." Drawled Alicia.

"So, then came the wire mesh cages around the flowers. The teachers though they could stop the students by that." Said Betty. "But then the students squeezed cigarette butts in through the gaps, and poured their failed chemistry experiments in there for a joke." Said Alicia.

"Well it started to stink and the flowers didn't live, so then came the sign." Betty explained.

"Yes, but we kept on doing that, so on came the security cameras." Alicia said.

"But then students would smash the cameras and then wreck havoc as a prank."

"So the teachers put the wire mesh around the security cameras."

Alicia brushed some dust of her skirt, "Well that's the story, it's a tradition now to try and find some way to wreck damage to the flowers."

"Alicia and I have been thinking up a plan." Announced Betty.

"But we can't do it, if we get caught we'll get in big trouble. But I daresay a new girl who has guts definitely can. Afterall, they've got a clean track record." Darrell licked her lips,

"I think I-I-I can." She stammered.

Alicia clapped her on the back, "Great, we'll tell you the details the night before half term."

"Huh?"

Betty winked, "It's our plan to do it at half term."

Suddenly the dinner bell went, Betty groaned, "Aw bother, well cya Alicia." She said, waving and walking away.

Darrell headed to the dinner table, smiling, it seemed like she had made two new friends. What a grand start to the school!


	3. A Deliciously Disgusting Dinner

Malory Towers chapter 3: A Deliciously Disgusting Dinner!

Authors note: Thanks for reviewing guys, even though I haven't got much. So I'd appreciate it if you drop of a review, even if it's just a few short words; anyway, here's the story. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 3:

Darrell and her form crowded into the hall where they sat on the cold hard, and chipped wooden benches. Except for Mary-Lou who was afraid of getting splinters. she just stood at the head of the table and ate. Whenever a teacher walked by she would run away or walk faster to get away in case the teacher was going to send her to sit on a chair.

No one took much notice of her, Emily was knitting as she ate. Sometimes she got a bit of food stuck in her knitting and other times she wiped her fingers on her own knitting. There were even times when Emily was caught sucking up the yawn that she had brought down with her and swallowing it like it was the most tasty thing on earth.

Although Gwendoline complained and boasted about how bad this food was to the ones she ate at home, she seemed the most hungry of them all. Gwendoline shoved chicken breasts in her mouth, gurgled down the lumpy mud like thing which was supposed to be soup and nibbled on some bones of animals. She finished her bowl of rice faster then anyone else and swallowed some cherry tomatoes whole. Gwendoline even tried stealing some food from the other' s plate, Mary-Lou who was afraid Gwendoline was going to eat her, ran away every time Gwendoline got close to her plate. So it was relatively easy for Gwendoline to steal from her, and Gwendoline got quite a good meal from Mary-Lou's plate. (Mary Lou never ate much.)

Sally, the funny shy girl who suddenly exploded into loud tantrums also didn't eat much. She ate without her lips moving (strangely), and she had a glazed look in her eye. She hardly even stared at her plate, which was still about full.

Gwendoline instantly seized up the opportunity to steal from her, and did so. She grabbed some rice and some potatoes but stopped after Sally noticed and pinched her in the arms, and then called her a rush of swearwords. Gwendoline burst into tears, but still, nobody took much notice of her. She received attention and sympathy too often at her home, and a bit of rough and toughness was going to be good for her.

The food wasn't that nice in Darrell's opinion but as Alicia said, "It's actually edible on the first day here, so you'd better make the most of the opportunity. I mean, on normal days you actually have to watch out for what you eat because sometimes it gives you the tummy bug, and other times you can't eat any at all without getting seriously sick."

Katherine just laughed at Alicia's words, "You can't believe everything she says." Katherine said, then nibbled a chicken leg meatless in three seconds and licked her lips as if it was the best thing she ever ate. "Now that's what I call good edible chicken!" Katherine muttered, Darrell looked at the chicken.

It had orange skin, though there was a huge hole in the middle with dried blood there. And was it her eyes, or was there a huge metal blade in the middle? Like someone just killed a chicken by stabbing it's back?

Irene poked her in the back, "These are the mistresses up there at that table." She whispered, pointing to a huge table with lots of staff members there. The teachers politely ate as much of the course as they possibly could, even though it was obvious to the students that they were sneaking in bits of food they brought underneath the table into their mouths instead.

"That's the French mistress, Mam' zelle Duport, we call her Madam Dupe cause it's so easy to dupe her. You can get away with any tricks you like under her care and all you have to do to get out of homework or trouble for her is cry." Irene announced, pointing to a fat french teacher who finished eating a 3 foot long piece of french bread under 10 seconds.

"Now that tall stick insect like teacher is Mam' zelle Rougier, she specializes in punishments, puns and yelling. It's advisable to bring a pair of earmuffs in her lessons and clamp them firmly over your ears. Best way to learn anything." Murmured Alicia.

Darrell frowned, "Puns? I thought she was the strict one?" She said, Jean tutted. "She yells, she yells words she not know. We not know, she yells words nobody knows, and it's a good laugh." Sally Hope, who was eating without moving her lips from the corner beside them stared at them with serious eyes. "Go on…?" She said, Sally was quiet and funny, and this was also the first time she took interest in anything.

"Translation: Mam' zelle Rougier yells random words when she gets angry and it sounds funny, we actually all have a copy of a book with all the translations of what she yells hidden somewhere in our dormitries. I keep mine in the portrait above my bed, do you want to see?" Asked Alicia.

Darrell nodded, "After dinner though." Darrell ate as much of the dinner as she possibly could, Alicia and a Betty that had somehow snuck in from the trapdoor above the ceiling, informed her on how to eat Malory Towers food.

"You know the meat? Well we usually have Dead Bird Meat sometime later on in the term, the trick is to suck on the feathers and avoid the actual meat because it's usually covered in maggots." Alicia announced.

"Yes, they never bother to pluck the meat, nor the legs of the caterpillars when they serve us, Caterpillar soup." Betty added, answering the unasked question. "Oh." Said Darrell.

"See that ugly teacher there, the one sitting next to the Grayling." Pointed Betty, at the teacher that reminded Darrell of one's grandma gone wrong on the train. "Uh yeah, the one that looks like one's grandma gone wrong." Darrell muttered. Alicia and Betty suddenly chuckled, "Oh that's harilious, what a good nickname for her!" Betty cried.

A wicked gleam shone in Alicia's eyes, "Yes, what an extraordinary nickname. Good on ya, we could be the big bold three or something!" She said, Darrell smiled adoringly up at the two but before she had time to inform them of her father's drug collection, Betty interrupted. "Oh, she's called Miss Potts, she's the awfully strict one who hates it when you talk in prayers." She said, "Oh-did I mention that this school illegally forces children to attend prayers and believe in god."

"Ha!" Exclaimed Darrell, "I knew there was something illegal about this school!"

Alicia chortled, "Just you wait until you learn all of the illegal things!" She said wrly.

"Well, moving on, you see that mistress over there? That's Miss Carton, she's the boring history teacher. The only thing interesting about her was that she was in world war 2, actually, that's probably the reason why the headmistress appointed her. I mean, I personally think she can't teach at all." Said Betty.

Darrell looked and saw an ugly batty old teacher with grey hair, a pitch black eye-patch. A wooden leg, and a permently dislocated shoulder, she had several scars on her face and on her arms. "Wow, I never knew women fought in world war two!" She exclaimed, shocked.

Miss Carton bit into a raw fish, chewed, spat out the bones, and flossed her teeth with the fishbones. Then she ate the food stuck in between her teeth, and added the fishbones to her own personal collection which consisted of a box in a hidden pocket of her ugly pink dress.

"Oh no-she didn't fight. She just attended the sick but she then caught a disease from them, went half mad from the disease and then hurt herself while out of her mind." Alicia explained. "That explains the scars."

Darrell looked at Miss Carton doubtfully, "Should they be even hiring a nutter like her to teach children? Did they even check her sanity before they began?" She muttered. Betty looked at her, "If they did then half the teachers wouldn't have made it through," Then Betty laughed, "Just joking, but the doctor claims her mentally sane and allows her to teach."

"So…is she actually…sane?" Asked Darrell.

Betty rolled her eyes, "Do you think?"

Alicia also rolled her eyes at Darrell, "Honestly Darrell," Alicia announced, "She's as sane as my cousins dog Rover…-who has rabies."

Darrell laughed, "Okay."

"Oh-you should see her lessons. Their a real laugh." Said Betty.

Darrell looked at her with shiny eyes, "Really?"

"Yep but we're not going to tell you, don't want to ruin the good old suspense." Muttered Alicia.

Darrell sighed, "Okay, who's that nutter over there then?" She asked, pointing to another teacher who was smashing up the plates and snapping the bones cleanly into two. "Oh wait-I already know, that's Miss Maxwell the PE teacher isn't it?"

"Uh huh." Said Alicia, "She's got anger issues so you'd better watch out if you don't do PE well."

Then Alicia and Betty started jabbering on together, leaving Darrell in her own thoughts and to eat.

The rest of the mealtime passed pretty normally, then they retired to their dormitries to sleep. "Unfortunately the old dump of a headmaster doesn't allow us, first years to sleep later then 9pm on our first day!" Said Alicia. Betty had long snuck away unnoticed to her part of the castle. "But we sometimes talk when the lights are out anyway, hey, I'll got out my french translation book and show you what I meant earlier!" Alicia said.

Darrell looked at the blank space above Alicia's bed, "Uhh…there is no portrait." She said.

"I know, it's hidden."

Then Alicia ushered Darrell onto her bed, closed the curtains, got up and pressed a hidden button on the wall. The blank area glowed a fuzzy orange colour and a picture of Alicia began to appear, she traced a complicated symbol and a small part of the wall opened, like a small door.

Inside she extracted a small book, "Here it is." She said, "Yeah, I illegally downloaded the finger sensory security, a morphing piece of tile and implanted them in my wall. Pretty easy actually." She explained upon seeing the book on Darrel's face. Darrell took it and turned the page. She was so excited about the book and so wanted to see it. She laughed, oh weren't these funny?

Alicia grinned, "Yeah-this one's my favourite." She said, flicking to page. Darrell laughed even more, she started reciting some of the phrases, giggling once she finished. "Ahahhaha, sprung you've been caught! Ahahaha, ooh what's this one, ahahhaha, Your worser then a bunch of mosquitoes inside my pants, ahahah, Your face is grobbler then a grunlling warhap! AHAHAHA!"

Alicia grinned, suddenly there was a noise and a sharp clink. "Quick!" Alicia said, shoving the book back in and snapping the door shut. It faded to an image of Alicia's face when Violet came in. She stared at Alicia, then at Darrell.

"Scanning specific area for suspicious activity." Violet murmured. (She was believed to be a robot under cover as a student to spy on them so the teachers would have some idea what was going on in the students minds and what they were planning.)

Darrell felt her throat go dry, "Suspicious area found. Alicia, may you please explain why there is a picture of your face on the wall above your bed." Violet said in a colourless voice.

"Umm…I was…drawing. Yeah, I'll wash it off." Alicia mumbled. Darrell quickly nodded.

"Scanning retina for signs of lieing. Successful, Alicia why are you lieing. Shall I report you to the principal's office right away?"

"NOOOO!" Alicia said, she grabbed the nearby lamp by her bed and thumped Violet on the head. There was a clinking sound, and a sharp zap. Like electricity, then Violet turned around and went back to her bed, muttering something that sounded like 'malfunctioning'.

Alicia sighed, "Well, that's the best thing with that sicko. Thump her on the head well and hard." She said. Suddenly the door opened, Alicia made a scared face. She quickly pulled back the curtains. Darrell felt even more scared, especially when the lights went out.

"Aye! What nice lovely thing is happening on here?" Said a slick voice, then the head of Matron peaked around the curtains. Matron was a tall plump lady, wearing an ugly white maids dress. She had sharp features, greasy black hair and carried around a camera on a string which hung around her neck. The Matron looked sneaky and creepy. A bit like a witch.

"Umm…I'll be going." Darrell said, slipping to her own bed.

"Good, it is now time for lights out and you to get your vitally important sleep." The matron said. There was a protest from further down the room, "Wait! I'm brushing my hair, doing my nails, cleansing my skin, brushing my teeth and applying beauty products!" Cried Gwendoline, Darrell could make out her form in the gloom.

She had cucumbers in her eyes, and some sort of cream rubbed on her face and gigantic fake nails on her hand. Darrell's eyes widened at the silhouette of her nails, they looked longer then her fingers even! "Shall we chuck Gwendoline out of the window?" Said Alicia.

"Noo!" Gwendoline cried, and jumped into bed. Her face wiped against the pillow, staining it the colour of the facial cream she applied. "Well, sleep tight girls." The matron said, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight Matron." Murmured the girls and one by one the all fell asleep. Though, just before Darrell drifted off to sleep she felt sure she heard Matron pull back the covers on some of the girls, a snapping sound not unlike the ones you hear when you take a photo, a little snicker and someone say, "What a good catch. Almost $1000 dollars worth of illegal nudes."

Then she fell asleep, and dreamed about all the exciting adventures she might have at Malory Towers.


	4. The Very First Day

Malory Towers Parody chapter 4!1

Chapter 4: The very first day.

Author's Note: Right sorry for not updating in a while, I've been rather busy with schoolwork. Anyway, please read and review, preferably on your account and not anoymous. Oh yeah, has anyone ever wondered how Enid Blyton NEVER mentions the girls dressing with each other? Isn't that…disturbing…

P.S. I know nothing happens in this chapter, sorry about that but I just wanted to get facts straight. Though I promise you, next chapter things get way more interesting…;)

Chapter 4: The very first day!

A sharp screaming and screeching sound filled Darrell's ears, at first she trashed and screamed but then came to her senses and realized she wasn't dreaming anymore. Darrell snapped her eyes open and caught sight of the girls in her grade getting up and getting dressed. Many were still in their pyjamas.

She rubbed her eyes sleepily and followed the routine, "Hallo Darrell, up nice and fast after the morning bell huh? Not unlike that lump there." Said Alicia from her bed, pointing to Gwendoline who was still snoring with her mouth open. Alicia grabbed a dirty sock and stuffed it in Gwendoline's mouth, "Well that ought to do the trick, if she doesn't wake up from the stench of that then she's dead." Alicia said matter-of-factly.

"Oh no!" Darrell told Alicia, "I'm afraid I've missed the morning bell entirely, I must've been having nightmares again because I dreamed a sharp screaming noise."

Alicia chuckled, "Ah the typical mistake, the sharp screaming noise _was_ the morning bell."

At this Darrell suddenly stood bolt straight, terror coursing though her veins. Were they torturing students here for the morning bell? Everyday? Including weekends? Suddenly Gwendoline spluttered, coughed, gagged and her hand moved to her mouth. It pulled out the sock and chucked it away, and she was still asleep! She kept on snoring and snoring, except with her mouth shut this time. Alicia looked enormously disappointed.

"So." Said Darrell uneasily, "Umm…where do they get the sound effects for the morning bell from?"

"The detention centre in this school-it's in the cellars and dungeons of Malory Towers, I mean, after all it is a castle." Said Alicia.

"Oh…do-d-d-do they torture students?" She asked, feeling a sense of dread.

At this Alicia turned pale white, "It's every child's worst nightmare…" She said, trailing off.

"H-h-have you ever been down there?"

"Only once…t-they don't really put you down unless you do something really naughty." Said Alicia uneasily, and no more was said about that topic.

Darrell washed her face with her fannel and showered, before heading down to breakfast and she soon found that what Alicia said the night before about the food was right. It was disgusting.

There was poo brown porriage with rotting chunks of leaks, and a silver jug full of something squishy and gooey. It had the slight resemblance to honey but an even stronger resemblance to pus.

After breakfast, was the first time Darrell had been illegally forced to attend prayers and believe in a religion. (Okay I'm going to skip the prayers part because I don't know what happens in prayers as I'm non-religious and I don't want to offend any religion.)

After prayers was maths first thing in the morning in a dingy, dark and dim classroom situated near the grand clock of Malory Towers. A distant ticking noise could be heard and it was very distracting as it reminded Darrell of a bomb about to go off, and the feeling of unease crept into her stomach.

Unfortunately, Miss Potts was to be their maths teacher. She glowered at the girls, "Right, today we will be doing a maths test just to see all your abilities." She announced, handing out the paper.

Darrell, who was an miraculously bright child due to her stupidity, easily did the papers. Though she couldn't resist having a little bit of fun to impress Alicia, she inked over some of the questions so:

_If Little Jimmy Brown had a basket of wool that weighted 300kgs, and the basket itself weighted 299kg how much did the wool cost if it was $4.35 per 1kg? _

Became:

_If Little Jimmy Brown had a basket of poo that weighted 300ks and the basket itself weighted 299kg how much did the poo cost if it was $4.35 per lump?_

She couldn't resist adding in a question:

_If farmer Ted had three sheep and no cattle, how much more cattle did he have then sheep?_

Meanwhile, Gwendoline was groaning and moaning. Her golden mess of hair was all over the table, and she was scratching furiously and muttering under her breath. She had gone cross-eyed already. "Gwendoline!" Exclaimed Miss Potts, "What if the meaning of all your groaning and moaning?"

"I can't find the times table chart in the classroom along with the addition and subtraction chart." She answered.

"Well, the answer is simple. You can't find one because there isn't." Miss Potts said grimly.

Gwendoline errupted into another round of groaning. "Enough of that noise at once-and why isn't your hair done up?"

"Because I ran out of fingers to count on. I'm using my hair strands."

Miss Potts exhaled grimly, "Please plait your hair and-" but she was interrupted by Gwendoline screaming, "NOoo-how am I supposed to count then? I only got 11 fingers?" At that point Miss Potts took a long white cigarette out of her pants pocket, "11 fingers? Really?" She said sarcastically.

"Yes-see-" Gwendoline started using her right forefinger to count the fingers in her left hand, "See-I have five fingers there, and another five on my right," she muttered, now using her left forefinger to count on her right. "Oh wait-that's not right, let me count again backwards."

She used her left forefinger to count, tapping each finger as she did so, "Ten, nine, eight, seven, six," she reached her thumb, "See-that's six fingers and if I have 5 fingers on my other hand then that's 11."

Miss Pott's mouth tightned into a more thinner line then possible. She sighed, "Oh just give me your paper, I'll just save us both the trouble by giving you an F, and you can go and plait your hair or something."

Gwendoline flashed a meekly look around and began brushing her hair, instead of plaiting. Darrell assumed Gwendoline was going to brush it first, before plaiting but really, Gwendoline had no idea how to plait.

She didn't much care, she was just brushing absent-mindly, fuming with satisfaction at Miss Pott's words. _Miss Potts probably meant she was going to give me an A+, no doubt I heard wrong. _Gwen gave an inward sigh, _I always knew I was smarter then the rest-enough to be a child prology if I wanted, mother and my governess always said so. Why, Miss Winter said I was smart enough to be the queen of Alaska, wait…is there even a queen there? What is Alaska, oh-now I remember. Some sort of city is Australia, gosh I'm smart. _

Gwendoline set about thinking of her old governess at home, called Miss Winter. Miss Winter was a wretched old women in her mid-thirites, who was unfortunately deaf but that didn't stop her from teaching Gwendoline. No-she came to every class with her hearing aids, and when she forgot (which was on most occasions) she would just assume that Gwendoline had answered the question correctly, and give her a beaming smile or scribble "Superb!" on a sheet of paper and give it to Gwendoline.

Suddenly the bell rang, and Alicia and Darrell jumped up with the rest of the class. There was a loud clamour as they all rushed up and disposed to their next class, which was history and geography with Miss Carton.

The classroom was in the basement of Malory Towers, it was stifling hot there and stung of boiled cabbages and mothballs. Miss Carton sat on a fluffy pink armchair in the front of the classroom with a chalkboard behind her and several packs of white chalk in her hands.

She invited the students to sit down on the floor, which was a bit lumpy. "Just you wait and see what she teaches." said Alicia, "She doesn't just teach history-she made history, well…history here at Malory Towers anyway. She's remembered for being the most whacko geography teacher ever."

Miss Cartoon then started the lesson by ordering some students to shut the doors and turning of the lights, then she started on a long rant that started to get interesting at the point when she mumbled about war cries and codewords. "Like if an enemy soilder is hurt you scream "Muppet" in the air, and if you are hurt you give a long loud cry, and if someone on your side if dead you go "Oh la la la" and if someone has died on the opponent side you go "Baka." Miss Cartoon liked to say.

And very soon she got the whole class practicing saying or screaming this words in the dark, and halfway through the class the smell of smoke was evident in the classroom. Though Alicia assured Darrell it was Miss Cartoon smoking her pipe, which happened in almost every lesson, Alicia explained.

Then the class exited for recess. Darrell soon grew very used to life and lessons at Malory Towers within a few weeks. Miss Cartoon's lessons were very interesting, as they were submerged in dark nearly all the time listening to tales or doing insane things.

Miss Pott's lessons were awfully hard, and noone dared to play-up in her lessons. There was Miss Linnie, the young sewing mistress who instantly clicked with Emily. In fact, they were working on a sewing project together which involved sewing a blanket, and somehow Miss Linnie managed to attach 4 sets of pins to the blanket so they could sow away at the same time. It was funny watching them work.

There was the games mistress Miss Maxwell who had temper tantrums, this term they would be doing swimming and tennis. Tennis was on a bumpy court with a tennis net that was very low, and it was generally a very boring game for the non-tennis players.

Though Irene (who detested tennis), had came up with an idea to attach invisible thread from the ball to the raquet, to save herself the trouble of fetching the ball after she missed (which was quite often). Very soon the whole class was copying her, and Miss Maxwell was puzzled as to why did the girls seem to be winding something up from their raquets every lesson?

Swimming was another thing altogether, it was in the large pool at Malory Towers. There was a huge deep end, and a shallow end, people like Gwendoline and Mary-Lou who were afraid of the water or didn't know how to swim, paraded in the shallow end while the others took up the deep end. Though everyone made sure to avoid the bottom.

Miss Maxwell demonstrated her strength to them for the first lesson when she proceeded to chop up blocks of wood with her bare hands, scale up the tallest tree in Malory Towers by the pool, and then do a spectacular dive in.

She also pulled Gwendoline's hair roughly when Gwendoline accidentally fell in the deep pool and pulled Miss Maxwell in with her. (It ended up with non-swimmer Gwendoline clinging onto Miss Maxwell's hair.)

Meanwhile, in between classes the school would hand out cookies and milk. The milk was very crusty and gross while the cookies were 'nutrional and naturally made' which Betty reckoned, in other words, was 'naturally made by a horse (dung) and then flattned and soaked with some sort of bacteria cleanser'.

Soon Darrell became very used to Malory Towers and she was very excited about her to-be adventures there.


	5. The Not So Accidental Accident

Malory Towers Chapter 5:

The not-so-accidental accident.

Author's Note: Right sorry for not updating in a while and yes, when I read over the last few chapters I realised this is a very crappy story so I decided to change that around by making the chapters from here onwards as best as I can! So enjoy! And please leave me a review! :D

It was a a golden afternoon, the sun was out and shining heavily down at the pool. Causing the fifthy green water to evaporate into a cloud of green gas around the pool.

Darrell's form was gathered around the pool in their swimming costumes, and Miss Maxwell was standing at the sidelines, in her bathers in case she had to make a rescue dive in and pull out a suicidal student. Or merely one without common sense. She had a handkerchief pressed grimly to her lips and her eyebrows frowned towards her nose and she drank in the scene.

"Oy! Help me duck Sally Alicia!" Cried Darrell in sheer delight as she struggled to push a kicking Sally under the water. Alicia spat a stream of water on Katherine who was practicing water kae twon do and then swam towards Darrell. "At your service!" She cried.

Meanwhile Mary-Lou was staring up at Miss Maxwell anxiously, saying, "M-miss M-maxwell, the gas isn't poisonous is it? Oh deary me! I think I've gotton an asthma attack!"

Miss Maxwell grunted, "You don't even have asthma." She said.

"Oh I know, the greater chance I'll get it!" Wailed Mary-Lou.

Finally the gym teacher had had enough, she sighed and ordered Mary-Lou in the pool.

Mary-Lou got in, shivering and teeth chattering. "What's up old girl?" Gwendoline ask unsympathically, she was always interested in people's bussiness but never offered any real comfort. "I-I-I'm scared." Said Mary-Lou. Gwendoline sighed, "What is it this time?"

"Of A-A-asthma."

"Hey Gwendoline you old goose! Come out here in the deep end! We want to give you a good ducking!" Cried Darrell with a sneer.

Gwendoline frowned, she was fed up with the form preaching her for not entering the water as fast as they could. She was fed up with the stinky green pool. She was fed up with the fact that when she looked down to see how her painted toe nails were going all she saw was her reflection from the disgusting green pool. And most of all-she was fed up with all the negative attention being on her. So she decided to change that upon notice that Mary-Lou could not master a single stroke. Well she could but she was afraid to go to the deep end…

"Hey Mary-Lou, do you want to play a quick game?" She asked.

"Huh?" Murmured Mary-Lou. "What are the rules?"

"There are none." Gwendoline announced, her mouth spreading in a grin. "Here, come closer and I'll show you how to play."

"O-okay!" Stammered out Mary-Lou.

Once Mary-Lou got within range, Gwendoline suddenly jumped on top of her and let out a stream of yellow piss, then she pushed Mary-Lou down with her feet and jumped on top of her. Screaming, "I'm THE QUEEN OF THE WORLD!"

That was stopped shortly by an eager Darrell rushing over, "Oh golly! Another person to duck! Help me Alicia!" And Darrell pulled Mary-Lou out from under Gwendoline's legs (feet first) and threw Mary-Lou into Alicia's bare arms, where Mary-Lou fainted. "Oh dear! My latest victam has fainted! And it's all your fault!" She screamed.

"How dare you Gwendoline!" Thundered Darrell, "How dare you duck the person I wanted to duck! You selfish greedy brat!"

"Nooooooooo-it was only a game. Only a game. I swear…"

"Swear and I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" Darrell screamed, advancing further. "Nono-please don't do that. I might d-die of food poisoning…"

"Shut up you twit! Soap isn't even a food!" And with that Darrell grabbed Gwendoline by the shoulders and gave her a rough shaking, she grinned all the time. Miss Maxwell game over with a bored expression on her face, she inhaled some sort of drug from an inhaler. "What is it this time? Death? Poisoning? Diaherra? I've heard it all."

"It's just a little accident." Said Darrell.

"She nearly drowned me!" Gwendoline wailed.

"A-nd me." Stammered Mary-Lou, referring to Gwendoline.

"Oh not again! These drownings happen almost every day! Honestly, name one day which such things don't happen? I'll gladly hang my towel up that day and-"

"Yes yes but," Interupted Alicia who had shaken herself dry now, "Who's getting punished? Are we going to hold a court? Oooooooooooooooooh golly I love courts!" Seeing Darrell's puzzled expression she added, "You see, the children at Malory Towers all get to judge each other in the most judgemental way possible on a daily basis! And in courts it's even more funnier! And great fun too! You ought to see one live!"

"Hmm…" Thought Katherine, "We haven't had one in a while…perhaps it's time…"

"What are you talking about? We just had one on the last week of last term? Remember the case of the missing socks?" Alicia asked.

"Oh-that one? Yeah I got bored so I purposely threw my socks out of the window, oh well…it's been such a long time since we had a real court!"

"And when was that?" Asked Alicia.

"Oh-right at the beginning of my year. We held one to see whether or not people in the form agreed of holding a court." Katherine explained.

"How does that work?" Questioned Darrell curiously.

"The same was as philosophy." Replied Katherine.

"But they both don't make any sense!" Exclaimed Darrell.

"Exactly!" Said Katherine. Then she rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "Alicia-tell everyone there is to be a court held in the common room tonight after dinner."

Alicia grinned, "That be my pleasure." She announced and walked away.

"Oh, you'd better make yourself scarce and have a good real think about what you'd like to say to make yourself more dramatic. Remember, if you bump into anyone at all-they'll all be harassing the details out of you. Courts are a very sophisticated and interesting manner." Katherine informed Darrell.

She smiled and pretended to storm out in a temper tantrum, when really, she was thinking whether she ought to shout or yell. Which lead to her wondering what was the difference between those too, ahh…the many curious things a schoolgirl can wonder about!

Another Author's note(lol sorry, there's lots I know): Well there you go? Did you like it? Prepare for a massive chapter ahead where the girls battle it out verbally!


	6. An Interesting Court

Malory Towers Parody: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: A interesting court…

Author's Note: I don't exactly know what goes on in court so I made half of it up and searched the rest up.

While all the others sat around, pondering on Darrell's latest episode, comparing it to her usual behaviour and wondering what rumours would go well with it, Katherine was sitting in the common room. Hand on chin as she thought, Darrell did not usually behave like that, she concluded. For Darrell was never the attention seeker, nor someone to make a public display like that, so something must've happened. Could it be her time of the month? Or did Gwendoline have something to do with it?

Meanwhile, Darrell was locked up in the toilet, rehearsing and watching her reflection in the big mirror. "Injustice is, as injustice as." She said, watching her reflection and trying out a couple more lines from The Big And Incrediably Boring Book Of Philosophy she clutched in her hands. "Your honour! Gwendoline stole my prey and such injustice has tipped the edge and made me go into insanity! How I just had to give her a good shaking!"

Darrell sighed, "Too dramatic." She said, and tried another perspective.

"Oh…your h-h-honour! I c-c-couldn't help it! I was so frightned, and scared, I don't know what came o-o-over me! Alas-forgive me! Wa-" Darrell coughed loudly and cleared her throat. Whoops, she thought, all that stuttering is giving me a sore throat.

After minutes of coming up with lines she finally settled on the apologetic face as it did not give her a sore throat, it wasn't too dramatic, and it did not run the risk of crashing into any furniture. Just so-the dinner bell rang.

xxx xxx xxx

"I can't wait can you?"

"No, I wonder what she'll have to say!"

"Ooooh! I hope it's something good!"

"It'll be this evening's entertainment!"

The whole form all sat comfortably in the squishy armchairs in the common room after dinner. All waiting with anticipation at what was going to happen, and several were rubbing their hands in glee and wearing out their gloves.

Katherine was obviously the Magistrate or Judge, whichever term you prefer, and she wore a huge white fluffy wig and carried a dumbell which she smacked on the table in glee. She had a piece of parchment and ink pen in her hand, ready to write.

Darrell the Defendant sat comfortably with her back to the fire, a funny expression on her face as she watched.

The Prosecutor was Alicia, who took great delight in swinging her hockey stick around threateningly and crackled as she 'accidentally' gave people donks on the head.

The Defence Lawyer was Betty Hill, who was allowed to attend the court thanks to Alicia's great threatening and hockey stick swinging skills.

And of course, Mary-Lou was the witness.

"Everyone shut up!" Cried Katherine, who swung her dumbell around and then smacked it on the table so that the legs wobbled violently and threatened to collapse. A tinge of red appeared in her cheeks as the table continue wobbling.

The whole form maintained silence. Which was highly unusual, hence why Katherine thought to make the most of it, "Prositioner-you can present the case against the defendant." She yelled, misreading Prosecutor for Prositioner in her hurry.

Alicia blushed, had she mistaken something? She was sure she was the Prosecutor? Not the Prositioner? "Your honour," Alicia said, "There is no Prositioner-"

"Yes there is-now shut up or you'll be prosecuted."

"But how can I be prosecuted if there's no Prosecutor?"

Katherine pressed her lips in a frown, now this was a problem. However, she did not like making mistakes in front of the form so she merely waved her hand and said, "For today, the Prositioner will do the job of prosecuting."

"But there is no Prositioner!" Exclaimed Alicia.

For this Katherine thought, then she said, "Well if there's no Prositioner and Prosecutor then we'll go without! Surely we don't need one?"

"Hang on a minute-we've got a Prosecutor! _I'm_ the Prosecutor!" Alicia said, stamping her foot angrilly. "Oh, well why didn't you say so earlier!" Katherine exclaimed.

"Because you never asked…"

"Yes I did, I asked the Prosecutor to do the job of prosecuting!"

"No you didn't!" Alicia said, her cheeks flushing as she swung her hockey stick dangerously and smacked it in the ceiling for good measure. The lights flicked. "Okay okay, calm down." Said Jean, waving her hands in what she thought to be a calm manner and wriggling her fingers, for once her scottish mind managed to figure out the english language and put four words together with correct grammer. (Author's Note: Just to let you know I'm not being racist to Scottish mind's, just to Jean's mind. Hope that makes sense.)

"Are you holding up the rude finger at me?" Said Darrell as Jean's finger wriggling. Mary-Lou shivered, "Can we just get on with it?" She stammered slowly.

"Yes, let's just get!" Hissed Katherine, banging the dumbell, and clearing her throat for good measure. "Well…" She started, "We are here today to address the oh-so-serious matter of Gwendoline's accusation towards Darrell shaking her. Gwendoline-what do you have to say about that?"

Gwendoline who had recomposed herself (not that she was ever composed much) for that evening and had even bothered to wear one of her overly frilly and highly flammable dresses for this evening cleared her throat (again) and held her head up a little higher. "Ahem hem," She began, "I Gwendoline Mary Lacy hereby-"

"Cut the crap and get to your actual accuse." Shouted Katherine, always the straight forward one.

Gwendoline frowned sternly but made no attempt to contradict her for one certainly did not contradict the Judge-even Gwen knew that! "Anyway, I accuse Darrell of nearly drowning me."

"Darrell's lawyer, what do you have to say about that?" Asked Katherine.

"I think it's absurd!" Exclaimed Betty, thoroughly enjoying herself, "One minute Gwendoline's accusing Darrell of shaking her, next second her accusation has mysteriously changed to drowning her!" The form chuckled at this joke. Katherine raised an eyebrow towards Gwendoline who blushed pink.

"Oh no no-what I meant was, she gave m-me such a good shaking that it felt like I was drowning!" She hastily corrected.

"Well if it's 'such a _good_ shaking' then why are you angry? Who gets angry at something good?" Betty interjected, the whole form clapped and cheered. Alicia produced her ever so loud whistle that made the glass windows shatter. (Oh well that can't be helped.) Katherine held up a hand, "Well, that was certainly a very interesting point Betty. However before we get to defending Darrell's actions, we must have evidence that Darrell _actually_ shook Gwendoline."

"Why Mary-Lou over here will easily tell you that, won't you Mary-Lou?" Gwendoline said snidely. Mary-Lou stared hard at the corner of the rug, she did not remember much after she fainted and certainly didn't remember Gwendoline being shaken. However she didn't like shakings and she didn't want to disappoint Gwendoline and play her 'game' again so she nodded stiffly and said, "Yeah, Darrell shook her."

"See!" Gwendoline hissed.

"Hmm…" Said Katherine, "Well we'll just have to see what Betty thinks about that."

"I think it's stupid thank you very much!" Betty exclaimed, she even bowed to several cheers from the crowd.

"Ah, whoops, I did not mean to ask for your opinion, what I meant was-what do you have to defend Darrell." Katherine quickly corrected.

"Oh I have my wit and intelligence." Betty joked.

Katherine raised one eyebrow.

"Alright alright! No need to get your knickers in a knot-" At this the whole form errupted in shriek of laughter, "I say that we need further proof that Darrell shook Gwendoline. One witness isn't enough!"

"Well I'm a witness aren't I?" Gwendoline said stubbornly.

"But that wouldn't work would it?" Katherine told her, "I mean, anyone could say they got robbed and demand some money, and say that themselves are the witness, then people could always use that scam. The one accusing cannot possibly be a witness!"

"Does that work in reverse then?" Drawled Betty, "One being a witness cannot be accusing?"

"Yes I should think so!" Katherine said.

"Right, then Mary-Lou's accusiations about Darrell shaking Gwendoline can't be counted." Betty said, smiling.

Katherine stuttered on her words, "Yes b-b-but, oh! Nevermind, let's say Darrell did shake Gwendoline in and leave it at that!"

"Fine!" Huffed Gwedoline.

"Fine!" Spat Darrell, trying to maintain a tough exterior but on the inside she was secretly relived that Katherine only came to this conclusion to be fair, she didn't want to be thought of as the violent girl who shook someone.

"Well, now apologize Darrell, and Gwendoline you apologize too." Katherine announced.

"What for?" Asked Gwendoline."So it's _fair_." Katherine replied.

"I'll go first shall I?" Said Darrell, "I, Darrell Rivers, the mighty girl, hereby apologize to Gwen the ragged old hag, please may I humbly beg my pardon." She did a fancy little bow too, and several girls laughed.

"Excellent Darrell, now you." Said Katherine, pointing her dumbell at Gwendoline, but then she dropped it and it cracked on the floor. She did not ever point her dumbell at anything after that. In fact, after the court she put it in the fire place to let it burn but that's another story.

Anyways…Gwendoline was frowning and stuttering, "b-b-b-but, I d-don't l-like apologies…"

Katherine glared at her and since Gwendoline was too meek and shy to contradict her, she finally stammered, "I-I'm sorry for being shaken, and I will never not shake Mary-Lou again."

"Sounds legit." Muttered Katherine, "Court case dismissed!" And that was the end of the court, however, as the students walked away one by one, light headed and ready for bed, only two students had their minds buzzing with thoughts. Mary-Lou remembered Gwendoline's 'game' and she remembered Darrell pulling her off Gwendoline but really, she did not at all, recall in any manner, Darrell shaking Gwendoline, so she made up her mind to stalk Darrell and try to be Darrell's best friend so she could discover whether or not Darrell actually shook Gwendoline.

And to be a good friend, thought Mary-Lou, I have to be nice. So she made up her mind to be as nice and possible to Darrell. However, Gwendoline was shaking with fear, humiliation and furry at being made to apologize, her small lump of a brain ran circles around itself. She shook violently, her teeth chattering as she made up her mind to get revenge. Yes, she thought, I'll get revenge on them all! From Darrell to Mary-Lou, to Miss Potts, and how about that dreadful Sally too! Then she grinned and headed of to bed where the Matron came again and told her to 'put out your legs Gwendoline it's a warm sunny night, you need a bit of fresh air' and she heard the familiar snapping noise and drifted off into sleep dreaming about sweet revenge.


	7. Darrell's Delimma

Malory Towers Parody

Chapter 7: Mary-Lou's obession, Sally's secrecy, Alicia's prank ideas and Darrell's dilemma!

Ever since the Court, Mary-Lou had a newfound habit of being extremely nice to Darrell, and Darrell was starting to find that extremely annoying.

One sunny afternoon after lessons there was to be a big game of tennis between all the towers for the first form, and Darrell was just hurriedly putting on her shoes. "Oh do hurry up!" Exclaimed Alicia, who was waiting for her, "We haven't got all day! And you've been taking so long!"

"Yeah just wait, I'm ARGH!" Darrell immediately slipped her foot out of her shoe, and wiped her socks frantically against the carpet. "What the hell is that!" She screamed. Alicia ventured over, with two fingers holding her nose at a very unpleasant smell which seemed to be coming from Darrell's shoe. "Is that…poo?" Alicia said, pointing at a melted lump of brown in her shoe. "I hope not. That was my best pair of trainers…who did this! And before you ask, I did not poo in my shoes okay Alicia?"

Just then, Mary-Lou came jumping out from inside a cupboard, looking rather pleased with herself. "Hallo Alicia, hallo Darrell. Did you discover my present?" She sang joyfully. "I hid it in Darrell's shoe last night you know? I'm awfully afraid of the dark so I convined Matron to come down with me, she seemed awfully happy about something, and she had this black device which emitted light every time it flashed at me! It was wonderful because it got rid of the dark!"

Darrell stared in disgust at May-Lou, "You did a poo in my shoe?" She asked weakly, staring at her in disbelief.

Mary-Lou frowned, "N-no. It was c-c-chocolate. I put chocolate in your shoe…thank you present…for that time…drowning…" Mary-Lou trailed away. It was true that last night she decided to make a start on befriending Darrell by placing a block of chocolate in her shoes, and although she was highly excited about her reaction at that time, right now her excitement seemed to have drained away and she was back to her usual stuttering self.

"You put chocolate in my shoes?" Said Darrell furiously, "Why? And look-it's all melted now! I can't wear these shoes!"

Alicia agreed with a curt nod of her head, "Silly thing to do," She scolded, "Even you should know better. Putting chocolate in somoene's shoes, of course it's going to melt. What do you think will happen Mary-Lou? The chocolate _won't_ melt?"

"Bother!" Exclaimed Darrell, checking her watch furiously, "I'm already late as it is, and I do want to play! Oh-I'll go barefoot!"

"Smart choice," Alicia said approvingly, and the two exited with their tennis racquets in their hand, Darrell starting waving hers about in an excited fashion.

"Don't worry about your shoes! I'll wash them!" Mary-Lou called desperately after them. She heard a loud _thafump_ and Darrell and Alicia's voices drifting up from somewhere down the stairs.

"OWW! That hurt! I tripped!"

"Well of course you tripped, that's what happens when you run down the stairs without shoes you ninny."

Mary-Lou felt a pang of guilt in her heart, she hastily grabbed the shoes and ran to the laundry room to wash them. And that wasn't the start of things either…

Several days later after the big tennis tournament (which ended up with the students showing such team spirit and determination by refusing to believe they've lost and beating each other with tennis racquets and having several "courts" about who won and who didn't which didn't fix anything, so in the end, the heads of the towers just declared a big tie between all four) Darrell was just heading to their maths lesson with her form.

She was chatting excitedly with Alicia, when Miss Potts came in, "Alright everyone sit down, I am very disappointed in you all!" She announced, slamming a bunch of test papers down on her desk.

Darrell sat down, but she jumped up again with a "ouch!". She looked down at her chair in dismay, and saw a lumpy package wrapped up in tin foil and some flowers next to the package. "Hey! Who put this there!" Darrell exclaimed, rubbing her butt, she had the misfortune to sit on one of the thorns of the roses.

"M-m-me." Mary-Lou stammered, "I-I-I p-put the f-f-flowers there, and the p-present c-containing your shoes, as a sorry present, I mean, the flowers are a sorry present, not the package, I mean! The package is a sorry prese-"

"What Mary-Lou means to speak is," Jean interrupted, clearly trying to help her out, "Sorry she is, trainers put she on chair, flowers. Flowers on chair. Flowers sorry. Flowers sorry she did. Package your shoes, containing."

"Oh WILL YOU QUIT IT!" Yelled Darrell.

"Yeah, poor Mary-Lou. Just doesn't understand no means no." Alicia remarked snidely, glaring at Mary-Lou with distaste. Her left hand twitched, she did not like her friend Darrell receiving presents when really, she had a role in Mary-Lou's rescue too. Alicia remembered clutching Mary-Lou in her hands after she fainted, and that, she thought, deserved flowers or admiration of some sort. Although Alicia would never admit this, she was bitterly jealous.

Mary-Lou burst into tears. "Serves your right." Murmured Alicia, her eyes glinting.

" Class, please stop all the commotion." Miss Potts interrupted, she was very cranky today and told of Gwendoline for putting lip balm on her lips in class which resulted in a full temper tantrum from Gwendoline. That brought Miss Potts nerves up and by the end of the lesson she had already given out three detentions and two people extra homework.

Over the course of the next few days, Mary-Lou tidied Darrell's locker without her consent, she sorted Darrell's underwear drawer in place, and she worked hard to scrub Darrell's tennis racquets bright clean. Sometimes when Darrell crawled into her bed, she would find a piece of decorated paper with the words 'thank you for saving me' or sometimes when she searched inside her bag she would find a packet of crisps with the words 'honour the saviour' on a sepreate piece of paper. And Darrell was to say, sick of those things.

"That's it I'm sick of you doing all these things for me," Darrell shouted one afternoon, "Quit tidying out my locker. I didn't give you the permission nor the keys to my locker. Have you been picking my lock?"

Mary-Lou would hang her head and say, "Yes yes I'm sorry" and the next day Darrell would find some equally annoying present hidden in her bag or closet as a sorry present.

Meanwhile Gwendoline and Alicia were practically bristling with jealousy at Darrell that they actually started having decent conversations with each other instead of their usual arguments, insults and witty comebacks on Alicia's part. Their voices dripping with hate as they gathered somewhere after class, discussing and cursing under their breaths.

"That Mary-Lou, she's quite stupid isn't she?" Alicia would remark bitterly, "Thinks the world of Darrell, I would like to see what would happen if Darrell didn't exist."

"Yes yes, I agree," Gwendoline would say, "I think Darrell is a poor excuse for a lady, I mean, why doesn't Mary-Lou pick someone decent to dote on? Like-"

"Like you huh?" Alicia said with a sneer, "Funny thought Gwendoline, you're the last person anyone should pick out as a role model."

"Why don't me mean Alicia? That's no way a lady should talk-"

And so the two bitterly congregated and exchanged bitter discussion about Darrell and Mary-Lou.

Darrell found to her distaste, that nowadays Alicia seemed distant from her and wasn't as warm to her as before. She wondered what was going on and hoped it wasn't because Alicia was mad at her. So Darrell, finding herself more alone they ever, decided to spend more time reading letters from home. One day, she found a highly interesting letter from her mother.

_Dear Darrell, _

_how are you sweetie? How's Malory Towers going for you? I remember in my days, when I went to boarding school we would snoop around the teacher's wardrobes and steal each other's letters to read for fun! I remember I was the ringleader of them all, I was the champion at finding out interesting things, but I wasn't nosy Darrell. Even though some students dispised me for that, and called me nosy-not that I was. They were just jealous. Remember this: there will always be some people jealous of you when your good at something._

_Well, father's going fine Darrell. He won a jumbo sized family tent at his uhh…stress relieve centre. Isn't that great? And due to the fact that Felicity recently smashed his collection of marbles, he's grown extra protective lately and made us all go out camping in the tent for a few nights! Isn't that fun? _

_Oh and I'm not nosy, I'm really not Darrell dear, but yesterday, I went out for tea in this tea shop called Alf Any Phode, and I met a women there. She had a little daughter, and I insisted in having dinner with her and having a bit of a chat. Found out she had a daughter at your school! Now isn't that interesting? Her name's Sally apparently and she goes to your form, and Sally's got a little sister! I tried to find out some more details but the women grew steadily uncomfortable, oh well. Some people! They just won't recognize a kind soul trying to talk to them! _

_P.S. I'm not nosy. _

_Love from,_

_Mum. _

Darrell managed to read in between the lines of her mum's nosy findings, and she found that what her mum reported was actually quite interesting. Luckily Sally was in the same room as her at that time so Darrell could easily ask about her sister.

"Hi Sally-heard you have a sister. Is that right?" Said Darrell.

Sally dropped the book she was reading and stared open mouthed at her, "What? Sister? No not sister, I no sister." Sally stammered with a shaky laugh, she folded her hands across her chest. "No seriously, I know you have a sister. My mum told me."

"Your mum likes to snoop about huh? Find out everybody's secret business huh?" Sally shouted, then burst into tears and ran away to her dormitory. "Wait-" Cried Darrell, running and following Sally but Sally was nowhere to be seen. "Oh well…" Darrell said to herself, then she walked away to try and find Alicia to talk to.

Finally Darrell found Alicia near the stables where she was kicking bits of dirt and mud over a pebble path, and staring moodily at the ground. "Hey Alicia," Said Darrell, coming down beside her. Alicia turned away, "Where were you? Enjoying a merry round of applause from Mary-Lou today? What's she done now? Given you her live savings or something?" She spat bitterly, kicking up more of the dark brown earth.

"Why are you so moody all of a sudden?" Asked Darrell, feeling fed up, "Is there something that I've done wrong that I don't know about?"

"No," Said Alicia, "It's just that that Mary-Lou is driving me nuts. She's a right pain in the butt how she hovers around, offering insane things as presents, I'd like to play a prank on her!" Suddenly Alicia brightned up the moment she said the word 'prank', "Hey!" She exclaimed, "We should play a prank on someone? We haven't done that in ages!"

"Oh yes!" Darrell quickly agreed, delighted in Alicia's mood change and not wanting to make her grumpy again, "Can you think of one? Your so good at playing pranks Alicia!"

Alicia scrunched up her eyebrows, "Hmm…" She said, "I do believe there is one…" She trailed away and went misty eyed. Tracing paths in the air with her finger and chewing her lip, finally she said, "I think it can be done."

"What can be done?" Questioned Darrell.

"You remember at the first day when me and Betty showed you around?" Said Alicia.

"Oh…yeah?" Said Darrell, thinking back and wondering what Alicia meant.

"Yeah well, you know how we were discussing about the prank with the flowers before half-term?"

_*Flashback*_

_Darrell let herself be tugged towards the flowers, a sudden nudge by Alicia brought her to her senses. "Wow." She exclaimed, there was a ledge with flowers planted in fresh soil. But the ledge had a wire cage around it, and about several security cameras hovering over the ledge of flowers._

_And a wire cage hung around the security cameras, there was a huge sign saying: DO NOT TOUCH OR DISTURB. IF YOU DO THEN THAT WILL LED TO IMMEDIATE EXPELSION._

_"Shall we explain to Darrell the story of how the flowers came to be that way." Said Betty with a grin on her face. _

_Alicia figeted with her skirt matter-of-factly. "I don't see why not."_

_"So, long long ago, there was just a ledge of flowers with no protection whatsoever." Began Betty._

_"So students got bored and picked out the flowers, threw the dirt around the place and it got really messy." Drawled Alicia._

_"So, then came the wire mesh cages around the flowers. The teachers though they could stop the students by that." Said Betty. "But then the students squeezed cigarette butts in through the gaps, and poured their failed chemistry experiments in there for a joke." Said Alicia._

_"Well it started to stink and the flowers didn't live, so then came the sign." Betty explained._

_"Yes, but we kept on doing that, so on came the security cameras." Alicia said._

_"But then students would smash the cameras and then wreck havoc as a prank."_

_"So the teachers put the wire mesh around the security cameras."_

_Alicia brushed some dust of her skirt, "Well that's the story, it's a tradition now to try and find some way to wreck damage to the flowers."_

_"Alicia and I have been thinking up a plan." Announced Betty._

_"But we can't do it, if we get caught we'll get in big trouble. But I daresay a new girl who has guts definitely can. Afterall, they've got a clean track record." Darrell licked her lips,_

_"I think I-I-I can." She stammered._

_Alicia clapped her on the back, "Great, we'll tell you the details the night before half term."_

_"Huh?"_

_Betty winked, "It's our plan to do it at half term."_

_*End of Flashback*_

"Oh yes!" Exclaimed Darrell, licking her lips, "I remember it now!"

"Good," Grinned Alicia, "Me and Betty have been meeting around the school in secret to discuss it," Darrell frowned at the 'meeting around the school in secret' part for she felt excluded but she didn't comment about it, "And we've finally came up with a plan! It'll be superb as Maz' elle would say! And the whole school will see the prank and laugh, and the teachers shall be hoodwinked beyond their wildest dreams…or nightmares, as I should say."

"Go on…?" Said Darrell.

"See-"

Suddenly old Jim, the tanned old man who worked in the stables and attended to the horses came driving around the bend on his rusty red mud covered tractor. He had a battered and frayed sunflower hat, bushy eyebrows, and many wrinkles upon his face. He was dressed in a red and white checkered shirt and blue overalls, with a piece of yellow straw sticking out of the corner of his mouth.

His tractor jolted 3 feet in the air from a bump in the pathway, and Jim's eyes suddenly grew big, "Yee-HAW WATCH OUT! Move-move-outta meh way!"

"A-A-A-A-A-AAAAAAAAAH!" Screamed Alicia in mere surprise, Darrell, who was closer to the path, hurled herself at Alicia and pushed her out of the way. They both landed in convenient big pile of hay that just happened to be there.

They had got out of harm's way, but now they sat up and watched breathlessly as Jim's tractor skidded around the mud and dirt on the pebble and completely slid off direction, and rolled towards the stables. "Uh-oh." Mouthed Alicia wordlessly, watching as the tractor crashed into the side of the stables, and the wooden wall splintered and broke upon contact with the tractor. A thin line of smoke was rising from the tractor.

"Was that supposed to happen?" Said Darrell, but not in a surprised way, she sounded matter-of-factly. "So many peculiar things happen around here that that doesn't really surprise me…" She murmured, looking at Alicia for an answer.

"Uh yeah, that's Jim's tractor. He's had it for many years now, and it's getting kind of old rusty so it doesn't work as well…every known and then he always crashes it. Sometimes the students have something to do with it," Alicia grinned a crooked grin, "But for the majority we stay away from him when that happens."

"Doesn't Ms Grayling do something about it? Can't she just buy him a new tractor or something?" Suggested Darrell.

"Well, she used to try and convince him to buy a new one, and he does actually. Every three years he purchases a new tractor from his mother's brother's nephew."

"But that's…himself!" Exclaimed Darrell.

Alicia clapped unenthusiastically, "Bravo," She drawled; unimpressed, "You've worked out his scam. He's been using it for six years now, and Ms Grayling _still_ hasn't worked it out."

"Uhh…right." Said Darrell, still digesting the information, "Uh you know how you the students stay away from him for the majority? I think we should do that too…" She murmured.

Over in the distance, there was a silhouette that looked remarkably like Jim holding a pitchfork, and a voice also remarkably like Jim's was shouting, "Get back 'ere you blasted moggies! Wait till I pitch ya hea' on my pitchfork-"

"We should run. NOW!" Alicia said suddenly.

"Good idea." Agreed Darrell.

And both girls jumped up and bolted away, sprinting as fast as possible towards the common room, both screaming their heads off too.

The sun was starting to set low in the sky, and the last rays of sunshine were already starting to fade. Alicia and Darrell made it back to the common room just as the afternoon tea bell rang, as Darrell headed to the Great Hall to eat her afternoon tea, her mind was spinning on what Alicia had just said.

So they were planning a prank, and she was to be the one to do it? Darrell glanced over at where Alicia had sneaked to Betty's table now and saw them whisper to each other with that mischievous glint in their eyes, a lump formed in her throat.

Darrell knew whatever idea they had was going to be very naughty and horrifically dangerous, knowing them, and suddenly she didn't want to be the one playing the prank afterall. _Oh dear_, she thought as pulled some slugs out of her lettuce, _I've really _gotton_ myself into a dilemma here._

Author's Note: And that's the end of chapter 7! Did you enjoy it? Please review!


	8. The Midnight Plan

Malory Towers Parody:

Chapter 8: The Midnight Plan

"I do not!"

"Yes you do! You have a gorgeous sister with blue eyes, blonde curls and-" Darrell looked down at the latest letter she had received from her mother, reading out loud, "And she was born just two years ago and-"

"Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I'M NOT LISTENING. I'M NOT LISTENING!" Wailed Sally in the common room, hands clamped over her ears and her eyes squeezed shut as she her noisy wailing drowned out Darrell's voice.

Darrell sighed, "What is wrong with you Sally?" She questioned, "Have you gone nuts?"

"No-NO I'M BLOODY NOT! I'm not nuts!" Screamed Sally, running and grabbing the piece of paper out of Darrell's hands, and in rapid strokes, she had completely ripped it up and demolished the letter so it was unreadable now. Sally continued jumping on top of the ripped pieces, screaming curse words at the bit of paper.

Darrell grinned, ever since she had found out Sally's weakness she took great delight in torturing her about it. Ahh…Darrell always had such a lively spirit and humorous side…

Suddenly Alicia came into the common room, she took one look at Sally, burst into peals of squeaky laughter, and then grabbed Darrell by the wrist. "Hurry up slowcoach!" She hissed, almost hauling her straight out of the common room.

Darrell merely grumbled in surprise, she ran hard to keep up with Alicia but as always, her legs felt super slow compared to Alicia's and by the time she had reached about halfway to Alicia's destination, Darrell stopped down clutching her chest and panting.

There was a stream of laughter coming from the door next to her, and the high pitched voices flooded out to her, she made out the words.

"I bet you two pounds Gwendoline will "drown" again at swimming," Came a heavy grunt that sounded like Miss Maxwell. There was a hearty chuckling at that, then a voice with a heavy french accent said, "Ahh…dis Gwendoline! Remember w'en I pish her down the pool by accident! Eeeeeehe he he, dat was ze funniest thing I ever encountered! Eh he he he!"

There was a series of loud grunts at that remark that sounded like Miss Maxwell chuckling, "Wonder when she's gunna realize it's not an accident no more." Miss Maxwell grunted.

There was a fresh round of laughing at that, then a different voice announced, "Hey girls? Did I ever mention the one time I…" And the rest of the sentence was carried out in whispers, with a sudden burst of giggling that followed after.

Darrell gaped, she remembered the one time in swimming when Ma'zelle Duport was walking by the swimming pool and "accidentally" bumped into Gwendoline…it seemed so real-especially when she apologized but… "Wow, Ma'zelle Duport must be a good actor then!" Darrell gasped, rubbing her chest.

There was a stony silence from inside the room, then a new female voice said, "Do you think a student heard us? Should I go ch-"

"Run-now!" Alicia exclaimed, grabbing Darrell and pulling her down a corridor. The click of the door was heard just as they turned, and the same female voice said, "Hey? Noone's there? Must've been the wind!"

They ran on for a bit until they passed the very end of the north tower and into the west tower, Darrell gaped all around. She had never been in there before. Alicia was very speedy and soon found a path through the crowded corridors that housed all of the west tower students, finally Alicia reached the first year dormitries for west tower, she pushed one door open and stumbled in, panting for breath even though she was extremely fit.

And there, sitting on a messily made bed, was Betty, who grinned up at them both and snapped a chocolate bar into three, "Hallo you two," She said in a cheery voice, "Looks like you made it on time, here's your welcome present." She passed them both a piece of the chocolate.

"Gee thanks," Said Alicia, nibbling on her piece, "We were nearly late. We just ran by Ms Grayling's office on the way," Alicia clicked her tongue disapprovingly, "They were having bets _again_."

Betty clicked her tongue in response, "Dim witted teachers, wouldn't I like to film them gossiping and betting on students on video sometime and show it to the whole school," She grinned at that, showing many teeth, "Alas-what a tragedy that would be!"

"Gossiping? _Betting on students_?" Exclaimed Darrell in sheer surprise, "I'd have never thought…"

"All the teachers do it, well most of them do," Explained Alicia, "About twice a term, sometimes once every few weeks they like to gather about together in Ms Grayling's room and gossip about the students and place bets on which student will fail which exams, or which students will drop out at the end of the year." Alicia shook her head sadly, "What they _don't_ know, is that everyone's fully aware of what goes on in Ms Grayling's room whenever she calls an 'important meeting' for most of the teachers."

"Everyone?" Exclaimed Darrell, "But then wouldn't Gwendoline be heavily offended?"

"Oh I forgot, only some of the students know it, students who can put two and two together that is." Alicia answered, "Plus, Gwendoline wouldn't even dream of running all the way to Ms Grayling's office, she's too lazy to go anywhere except to the dinner table."

Betty chuckled at that, "Yes, and for your information. Teachers do get bored at this school, hence why they started betting and gossiping-"

Suddenly the doornoob turned, and the door clicked. "Oh no!" Exclaimed Betty, pushing Alicia and Darrell under her bed.

Darrell rolled under, she smacked her head on the underside of the bed, pain fizzled through her head and into her skull. She grimaced but otherwise kept from making any noise, Alicia gave her a poke and motioned for Darrell to tuck her bum in. Darrell did so, now she was completely under the bed, and Alicia seemed to have already slithered into position much faster then she had.

There was a pause, then a low snide sort of voice said, "Why Betty what are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be outside on a day like this?"

"Buzz of Hilda, there's nothing wrong with plotting a prank inside is there? Especially one on YOU."

The Hilda girl glared at Betty, then she went to her bedside table, fumbled around and got the thing she wanted, then left with a malicious, "Suit yourself, being stuck indoors all day Betty Petty!"

Betty stuck her tongue out at her, then looked down under her bed, "It's safe to come out now Alicia and Darrell." She said.

"Good," Muttered Alicia, "I was starting to get all stiff from hiding under there, and Betty-those brussel sprouts you hid under the bed has started to smell."

Darrell crawled out, rubbing her back with one hand, "So…me and Alicia aren't allowed to be here?" She instantly regretted saying that for Betty roared with laughter.

"It took you THAT long to figure it out?" She teased.

"Of course we're not, we're strictly not allowed in West Tower." Explained Alicia.

"Then what are we doing here?" Asked Darrell.

Betty grinned, "We invited you here, to discuss our plan."

"What plan?"

Alicia wore an identical grin to Betty's, "Our secret plan." She said, "One that you mustn't tell anyone else, understand?"

Darrell gulped, suddenly she had a vivid idea of what "plan" they were talking about. She remembered Alicia mentioned something about a prank before half term.

Alicia seemed to have noticed Darrell's expression because she said, "Look! She remembered!" To Betty who giggled.

"P-plan? Oh yeah, that one…" Darrell trailed off.

"Promise to keep it a secret right?" Alicia said, her eyebrows frowning together as she towered over Darrell. "Uhh…right." Agreed Darrell.

"Good, now you see, me and Betty have discussed a wonderful plan concerning the flowers and the security cameras…" Started Alicia.

"It involves wrecking the flowers right before half term so the next day when the parents come…" Betty continued.

"What a shock they'll get!" Exclaimed Alicia.

"But for noone to notice it at all before half term! We'll have to do it at midnight just before half term…" Betty explained.

"Where noone will see…"

"Even the security cameras because, this is what your going to be doing Darrell…" Betty announced, suppressing a giggle.

"Your going to sneak out of bed at twenty to midnight…" Alicia instructed.

"And creep up behind the security cameras…" Betty ordered.

"And with one sweep of a hand! You are going to chuck a black cloak over both of the cameras…" Alicia demonstrated a chuckling motion with her hands.

"Then you are going to wreck the flowers by poking bits of paper through the wire mesh…" Betty announced.

"And you are setting of dungbombs in the wire mesh. Don't worry, we'll teach you how dungbombs work."

Darrell gulped, she stared hard at her fingernails, and chewed them worriedly. "So you agree?" Muttered Alicia.

Darrell swallowed, the lump in her throat had returned, she ran a hand over her hair and back, "Um…" She stated.

"Um?" Said Alicia, making it sound like a question.

"Um yes! Yeah! I'll do it."

"Good on ya!" Betty and Alicia slapped hands. Then burst into a bit of laughter. Darrell joined in rather nervously, "Oh and Darrell?" Grinned Betty.

"Yeah…?" Said Darrell.

"We're playing a prank on old Jim this friday. We're going to be replacing the petrol in his tractor with acid from the science storerooms." Betty explained, "And your invited to join us in the prank!"

"Oh?" For the first time in Betty and Alicia's company, a warm glow spread through Darrell and into her heart, "Thanks!" She murmured.

"No worries!" Chimed Betty. Well, thought Darrell, there are good times with the bad times when playing with Alicia and Betty.

xxx xxx xxx

Meanwhile…Gwendoline had just finished the hard french homework she was set. She didn't understand a word of it, and just guessed the whole lot, she fanned herself with a hand and hoped Ma'zelle Duport would be nice about it, then her mind turned to toffee, and she remembered some easter eggs with toffee in them that she had in her room.

She huffed and puffed her way upstairs, and to her immense surprise, saw Mary-Lou standing by the cabinet, tweaking a pocket calculator. "Oh hello Mary-Lou," Said Gwendoline with a sneer, "What are you doing now?"

"I-I-I-I'm j-j-just f-fixing t-this c-c-calculater. I-I-it broke." Mary-Lou burst into easy tears, "It was m-meant for D-d-d-darrell the s-saviour and I-"

"You don't _need_ to give her a present," Gwendoline said haughtily, "Why would you want to do that? She doesn't like you and never will Mary-Lou. Waste of time that is." Gwendoline paused for a moment, her half eaten easter egg in one hand as she considered Mary-Lou. Then she said in a really sweet voice, "But you know who will like you? Me! I will, I'm appreciative of my surroundings and I will like you Mary-Lou. Here, want a toffee?"

Gwendoline shook the packet of easter eggs with toffee inside in Mary-Lou's direction. Mary-Lou, who didn't really but had been taught it was bad to refuse food, just muttered, "Alright one thanks." And took one, but Gwendoline grabbed Mary-Lou's wrist as she came, her eyes glinting, "Why thank you Mary-Lou. Let's be friends now!"

"F-f-friends?" Stammered Mary-Lou.

"Yes friends, we're nice to each other aren't we?"

"B-b-b-but-alright."

Gwendoline smiled at Mary-Lou and tugged her, "Come on. Let's go and play something. I rather like the game Celebrity Heads don't you?"

"W-w-w-what's that?" Questioned Mary-Lou curiously.

"You'll see!" Gwendoline said with a ringing laugh, as she pulled Mary-Lou into the common room where the games were kept.

And that was the start of the friendship between Gwendoline and Mary-Lou.

A few days later Darrell was chuckling with Betty and Alicia, they had just sneaked the acid out of the science storeroom and was in Jim's old and dusty shed, replacing the petrol with acid. Darrell was in an incrediably good mood, and, she thought, being friend's with Alicia and Betty does have a fun side.

"Right, are we ready?" Murmured Alicia, as she unscrewed the panel, and took out the original petrol.

"Yes," Betty said, she waved the acid around.

"Kay."

It was dark in the shed, with the only light coming from a crack through the door, the shed was humid and stank of wombat poo, bat faeces and unwashed tools.

Alicia slipped open the slid of the petrol, "Pooh, this stinks." She murmured, as Betty tipped the acid in. Darrell who was keeping watch on the door felt her heart hammer in her chest, "Hurry up!" She hissed, staring through a crack.

There was a sizzling sound, then a pop and a crackle, then a long sigh from Betty as she placed the petrol can back, "Phew!" She said, "Job done!"

Alicia then screwed the panel back in place, and the three of them snuck out giggling in relief and anticipating what would happen tomorrow.

Author's Note: And that's the end of another chapter! Please review? I haven't got much so far which is a little disappointing…


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